No it would be too wicked
Even to imagine considering
After such a decoction of verities
In this long lacuna
Or perhaps briefer than you think

The novelty of nostrums
Of efficacy famed for
Tetter gout elephantiasis ringworm and tired blood
Cramp stone wind sand runs gravel and halitosis
Headache backache toothache neuritis and neuralgia
Thrush dropsy porphyria carpal tunnel and jake leg
Acne eczema and impetigo
Strabismus astigmatism myopia flashers and floaters
Corns calluses bunions and cauliflower ear
Vacillation of the heart
Congestion of the semicircular canal
Irritable bowel
Caked breast
Uncertain stomach
Deviated septum
Defiant sphincter
Enlarged prostate
Peritonitis gingivitis laryngitis bursitis tonsilitis and tinnitus
Piles impaction and impostume
Ganglioma glomus and schwannoma
Mole boil strain drip and clap
The sweating sickness
The dolorous removal
The French disease
The German measles
Mal de mer
The Spanish flu
Undescended testicle
Hansen’s disease
Hodgkin’s disease
Koch’s disfunction
The English disease
The Prussian croup
The profit motive
The laughing plague
The disease of unknown provenance
The greenapple quickstep
Detached retina
Dishpan hands
Cirrhosis of the liver
Loofy-goofus of the goofy-loofus
Kidneys of wheat
Hardening of the arteries
Water on the knee
Wart peduncle and ingrown dewclaw
Running wen weeping abscess and delirium tremens
Sir Peter’s quinsy St. Vitus’s dance Bell’s palsy St. Lawrence’s catarrh
And all the underminings of the physical frame

And further
The unwieldy catalogue of mythopoeic phantasms
Adumbrated by madcap stimulants and dull opiates
The panoply of psychotropic arcana
Nightmares mygrim hallucinations and apparitions demure or minatory
Kelpies banshees imps poltergeists and incubi

Yea these are the premises
In both the propaedeutic and the domestic senses
For which appertaining
A hogshead of cheese
A butt of sack
A bunch of Parma violets
An erlenmeyer flask of fading chartreuse
A demijohn of absinthe the Green Muse
A cask of Amontillado
A jug of akvavit
A dram of paregoric
Microscopy electrophoresis gas-liquid chromatography
Computer-assisted tomography magnetic resonance imaging and palpation
Electrocardiogram electroencephalogram sphygmomanometresis
Cast traction and spinal adjustment
Splints prostheses and ace bandages
Stents bypasses root canals and reamings of the prostate
Appendectomy and episiotomy
Phlebotomy and shock wave lithotripsy
Fractionated radiotherapy
Endo- and epicardial ablation
Dietary supplementation with vitamins and iron
Application of topical or general anesthesia
Transplantation of the heart kidney or cornea
Defenestration of the ear
Trepanation of the skull
Bicarbonate of soda
Milk of magnesia
Tincture of iodine
Elixir of Ishtar
Distillation of mummy
An ampule of ipecac
The brown scapular
The brown acid
St. Christopher’s medal
St. Valentines’ fig
St. Veronica’s napkin
Spinal tap
Scalpels retractors clamps sutures and toothpicks
Laxatives purgatives and cathartics
Bulks lubricants and osmotics
Puffs powders patches and pomatums

You must resist
Charge the towering bastions
Apprehend the evanescent trophy
Seize the contingent triumph
Or dwindle in the immemorial yurt
Or flourish indefinitely in the mirthful pillory
Take action lieutenant but not too much